I've had a hard time.

In know it's been a while since I've written on this blog, but it's about time that I did.
These last few weeks to a month have been really hard for some reason, I think it's because there is so much chaos and uncertainty, the addict thrives on this. My brain is in this default setting of going to the addiction when hard things come up, or when there is chaos. It's been my safe place for 20 years, I need to break the cycle. Last week I had 5 relapses, it was a total binge week. There was a lot of isolation and wanting to be alone so I could binge.  I didn't reach out, I didn't really think about anything else besides when and where I could get my fix. It for to a point that I was using the computer at work and YouTube on my phone. I have net nanny installed but I found a way around the block.
Yesterday I had a group session with the guys from my group and there all really supportive, they helped me think of things to try so a week like last doesn't happen again. There are times when I really want to get over this, and times all I want to do is act out. I need to learn from my mistakes, turn to God and surrender all my mistakes and shortcomings. He wants to help, he wants me to let him in and get rid of this paralyzing addiction. I can do hard things. I trust in my God, he will not fail me.