Time for a change?

I've been thinking a lot this past little while about making a change in my therapy. I feel like things aren't going really when where I'm at, I feel like the therapists don't really care, and have kind of given up on me. In the past year one therapist dropped me because he didn't have a constant time to see me, I've been seeing him for years, and my new therapist can't see me at the only time I can come in. I've have a really hard time with that, so that's why I feel like they don't really care.
My bishop found this therapy group that he wants me to try, I went to him before I got divorced, he was the first therapist I had ever seen. He's a little different, but he uses the gospel in overcoming and healing from this addiction. I really think a change would be good. I just need to sit down with my bishop to see if he can help out with the cost.
I've been struggling again here recently, just since Thursday, I started looking at pictures on the computer at work, that moved to trying to access YouTube and long at pictures on Google. I even was able to access chrome and check out some porn sites before net nanny shut it down. I got away from praying and reading my scriptures. I turned to the world to escape and not to my God. I am so grateful for his patience and mercy. I would have given up on myself a long time ago, but He is always there waiting for me to turn to him and have him help me. I think that's part of why this trial is so hard, to why recovering from an addiction is so hard. As addicts we fantasize about things that aren't real, we escape reality and turn to this fantasy world. We don't want to face reality. In turning to God and asking him to remove my shortcomings and character weaknesses, I have to face reality and deal with the mess that I have created. We can't hide from God, we can't trick him or escapes into some fantasy world, we have to face it and fix it.
I have to do this, I need to be sealed to my wife and kids, I need to be a righteous father and husband. I want to be happy, I want to have peace and control in my life. I need to change, and I can change with the help of my Lord and Savior.

I've had a hard time.

In know it's been a while since I've written on this blog, but it's about time that I did.
These last few weeks to a month have been really hard for some reason, I think it's because there is so much chaos and uncertainty, the addict thrives on this. My brain is in this default setting of going to the addiction when hard things come up, or when there is chaos. It's been my safe place for 20 years, I need to break the cycle. Last week I had 5 relapses, it was a total binge week. There was a lot of isolation and wanting to be alone so I could binge.  I didn't reach out, I didn't really think about anything else besides when and where I could get my fix. It for to a point that I was using the computer at work and YouTube on my phone. I have net nanny installed but I found a way around the block.
Yesterday I had a group session with the guys from my group and there all really supportive, they helped me think of things to try so a week like last doesn't happen again. There are times when I really want to get over this, and times all I want to do is act out. I need to learn from my mistakes, turn to God and surrender all my mistakes and shortcomings. He wants to help, he wants me to let him in and get rid of this paralyzing addiction. I can do hard things. I trust in my God, he will not fail me.

Step one

Hi, my name is Bryant, and I am a recovering porn addict. I have been in recovery since 2009. Before that I was in full relapse mode. I had been hiding this secret since the age of 13. It all started at school in the lunch room, a kid brought in a picture of Jennifer Anniston spread eagle, and ever since then I have been an addict. At first it was fun, it made me feel good, it helped me escape from my feeling and stuff that was happening at school. I kept it a secret for so long, I didn't tell anybody till about high school, I stopped for a little while on my mission, but it caught up with me eventually.  I got married in the temple, didn't tell her about my problem. One day she caught me, and things were way different between us. I finally went to talk to the bishop when I was in VA. We lasted another few years but eventually of divorced in 2012. This addiction has led me down a path in my life that I didn't want to take. Sometimes I think where my life has been if I never saw that picture when I was 13. Where would I be, what would I be doing. I know I have been givin this trial for a reason. I know it has helped me know my Savior, his love and his mercy. It has helped me understand the atonement so much more then I ever would have known. I haven't been perfect, I have made a ton of mistakes. But I have learned so much, been through so many ups and downs. I know I can overcome this, I know my Savior will help me through this. I know the atonement is real and it works. And with that I'll take another 24.